Alison Bezzina

Let me make it clear from the start - I don't like weddings. As a child, I hated having to dress up in my Sunday best' to attend so many of them. Clearly my parents didn't like me running around the luxurious gardens at break-neck speed, but how else would I loose the pink bows in my hair? My mother preferred me not to knock any waiters down, but I loved to chase those human-sized skunks; and everybody would have really liked me to sit down, look pretty, and have my cheeks pinched by long lost relatives; I, on the other hand, found it particularly amusing to climb trees and throw acorns at the guests.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against marriage,well not entirely. I'm all for making a lifetime commitment to the person you love, but I don't think it is necessary to be legally conjoined in order for it to count. And I certainly don't think it's necessary to spend horrendous amounts of money to make it happen. I'm all for anyone who wants to throw a big party, get their family and friends together, and have a great time in the name of love, but why on earth do we need to play those parts, wear those costumes, recite those lines and spend a lifetime's savings just to say I do'? Have you ever met anyone as stressed out and self-centred as a bride to be?

It seems that whenever someone pops the question, or has the question popped at them, it's only a matter of time before they turn into the most egocentric, high-strung people on the face of the earth. It must have something to do with the engagement rings - they seem to have the power to wring anyone into a mangled mess - even an innocent soul like Frodo in Lord of the rings fell victim of this effect. Once, as a guest on a national television show, I went on record saying that people should live together before getting married. For some reason, expressing this seemingly scrupulous opinion triggered the rumour that I had committed suicide the next day of the show. To this very day, ten years later, I still meet people who act like they're seeing a ghost, though admittedly, this could have something to do with the state of my hair!

Despite this senseless rumour, I obviously still think that people should live together before tying the proverbial knot, and fifty or so weddings later, I also think that the money spent on weddings should be spent on getting couples started in their new lives. Hopefully this will help them stay together at least until the thank you cards are sent out. I mean seriously, what's with all the precision planning that ends up costing an arm, a leg and a coronary? Why does it have to be the perfect guest list, the perfect venue, the perfect caterer, the perfect bridal gown, bridesmaids, souvenirs, flowers, photographer, videographer, invitation size? The only thing guests really care about is the flowing booze, and if you're inviting kids, just give them free access to the trees and you're sorted. The only perfection you should be aiming for is that of your relationship, so just relax, and acknowledge that with the exception of your mother, nobody cares if you have pink roses instead of lilac carnations.

By now all my family and friends have come to accept that I am not in the least interested in discussing their choice of souvenirs, the length of their veil or the font on their invitations. They have also come to accept that I will not be a bridesmaid again, wear silly things in my hair, or box anyone in the face to catch the bride's bouquet. The last time I was vaguely involved in a wedding, I had reluctantly accepted to read a part of the scriptures during the mass. Little did I know that the part assigned for me to read, was what is possibly the most sexist part of the scriptures - the part which says that Eve was created from Adam's rib and for the sole purpose of making his life more bearable. Knowing how I feel about traditional gender roles, everyone in the church, including the happy couple, started to giggle uncontrollably, so much so, that I doubt if the vows are even binding. In fact if I were them, I'd fall back on to this if ever I need to.

One last word of advice - if you're a bride to be, and you're finding yourself roped into too many nitty-gritty details for your perfect wedding, just let your hubby-to-be prove his worth, by delegating some of the work to him. Of course, don't be surprised if your wedding is planned to fit the football off-season, that instead of canaps there's buckets of bar b q chicken and that your vows specifically mention cooking and sex on tap until death do you part!

First published on the Sunday Times November 2007