What’s In A Name Redent?

Way back in the 90s, when I was still in secondary school, I knew a girl called Filippa. Today, the name Filippa is considered to be cool and trendy, but back then, it was pretty much equivalent of calling a 2009 baby something like, Doris, Rita, Clement or Gamri. Surprisingly, Filippa was not picked on nor teased about her name. She had mastered a ‘don’t-mess-with-me-attitude’ back in primary school, and nobody dared mispronounce it, let alone make fun of it.

Another girl in the same school was called Wendoline. Apart from having steel-wool for hair, her life was normal and promising. But then, as life would have it, as soon as she hit puberty the infamous window cleaner Windoline hit our supermarket shelves! The poor girl had a hell of a time getting through her teenage years. She got absolutely no respite -‘Hey Wendoline, spit on my glasses will you?’ ‘Wendoline, that windscreen needs a scrub,’ ‘Hey Wendoline, how about using your hair as a mop?’ Everybody’s bullying and wicked streaks came alive at the mere sound of her name.

For all these years, I’ve been carrying the contrasting stories of these two girls deep in my soul. I find it disconcerting that the parents who knowingly risked their daughter’s mental health came out of it unscathed, whilst the ones who went through the trouble of looking up (or making up) an original name with no pre-known repercussions, had to witness their daughter’s harassment for most of her character-forming years.

Let’s face it; Wendoline’s parents had no way of knowing that a decade after their daughter’s birth, their carefully selected name would also be that of a cleaning agent. Filippa’s parents on the other hand, must have known that the name that they were considering for their newborn was an ancient Maltese one, and that at the time, the only Filippas in Malta were over the age of seventy five. They also must have known that without the right attitude, their child would be picked on and harassed and yet, they went ahead and called her that anyways.

Over the years, I’ve made a very long, (albeit never exhaustive list) of names that I would never give my child. I’ve also pledged to firmly stand in the way of any family member who dares to name any relative of mine ‘Redent’, ‘Joswyre’, ‘Ewzebio’, or God forbid, ‘Richwazshe’ (creatively derived from the song Angelo by Brothershood of Man whose lyrics say – Rich was she, she came from a very high family.)

For very obvious reasons, in some cultures some names are, or rather should be, an absolute no go. In Malta for instance, the name Joshua, which is invariably abbreviated to Josh, should be banned; as should Dick and Willie in every English-speaking country. The same stands for calling your son ‘Russel’, if his surname is ‘Fenech’, and what qualifies as the worst possible combination of bad taste and inanity – ‘Jurassic Pace’.

When taking surnames into consideration, the whole situation becomes even more complex. For instance, the name Justin is a great name for a boy. It poses no issues when heard or read in isolation, but if a child’s surname is ‘Said’ or ‘Case’, it’s a whole different story – Just-in Said or Just-in Case would never hear the end of it. In Malta, the name ‘Cliff’ is also absolutely harmless, unless of course, the child’s surname is ‘Dingli’. The same applies for the name ‘Pearl’ – a lovely girl’s name in most cases, but if her surname is ‘Haber’ you have to wonder what her parents were (not) thinking.

This is what the real Pearl Haber had to say about it – “Ever since my father was a young boy he wanted to call his child Pearl. My mother was not very keen about it. She thought that other children would pick on a child called Pearl. But then, when I was about to be born, my parents agreed to wait until they knew my gender and then decide on a name. To cut a long story short, my father got his way and I got my infamous name Pearl Haber. The film never had anything to do with his choice since it came out when I was already eleven years old. Some children did poke fun at me when the film was released, but I’ve grown to love my name. I feel that it truly represents me. My father had been inspired by the historic World War II story of Pearl Harbour, and before the film was made, hardly anyone knew about that.”

On a personal level, I consider myself pretty lucky. Those familiar with the whereabouts of B’kara would know about the striking green grocer called ‘Ta’ Damjan’ in Naxxar Road. Thirty years ago it belonged to my grandfather, who just like his father, was called ‘Damjan’. My grandfather also called his first son ‘Damjan’, who in turn called my eldest cousin ‘Damjan’. That was when I came along. I was the first female cousin born to that side of the family, and of course, it was automatically assumed that my parents would call me ‘Damjana’…cringe…to keep the tradition going. Somehow my mother managed to convince them all that ‘Diane’ sounds just like ‘Damjana’, and that assigning it as my third name would be good enough. As a result I am now called, Alison, Katherine, Diane, Bezzina, and my late grandparents can rest in peace knowing that I too am carrying the family name!

Whilst there seems to be no official or legal structure to stop parents from calling their children silly names like Adolf or Dipstick, the consoling truth is that once you come of age, changing your name is a relatively quick and simple process. In Malta all you need to do is to file an application in the court of voluntary jurisdiction and soon enough all your documents will carry your original atrocious name followed by your new chosen name e.g. Alison Bezzina also known as (aka) Damjana. The whole process costs a few Euro and, sure enough, a few annoying visits to the law courts, but if your father happens to be a mechanic and for lack of a better name ends up calling you Chassiemain, it’s probably well worth it.

The list of unsightly names goes on and on. Here are a few that were brought to my attention when I asked for weird names in preparation for this article. Because they are all atrociously ugly, I chose to put them in alphabetical order:

Anna Dick (pronounced Onnah) – UK – look her up on Facebook

Annette Kirton (pronounced A net curtain) – Leicester – she’s also on Facebook

Apple Martin – Chris Martin’s and Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter

Cupcake Brown – Author of the bestseller – A Piece of Cake

Dee Zaster – Tattoo artist – Nevada USA

Dislexia – (her Maltese parents thought it’s just a little bit more exotic than Alexia)

Gayelord De Gaetano – could be fictional

Hopper Penn – Sean Penn’s and Robin Wright’s child

Leslie (Les) Plakk – Korean Dentist working in the UK

Lucious Pusey – Football player with the Eastern Illinois Panthers

Memphis Eve – Bono’s (U2) daughter

Owen Money – American Stand-Up Comedian

Rocket Rodrigquez – Robert Rodriguez’s son – also father to Racer, Rebel and Rogue

Rufus Tiger Talylor -Roger Taylor’s son – also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy

Sage Moonblood Stallone – Sylvester Stallone’s son

Shandy Lear – it could have been worse as Crystal Shandy Lear

Shataizan (pronounced Xitan Zghir) Cutajar – child in primary school

Sosie Bacon – Kevin Bacon’s and Kyra Sedgwick’s child – of course, it could have been worse had she been Maltese and they called her Jolly.

Ted E. Bear – Boxer Max’s father

William (Willie) Stroker – According to LinkedIn he’s the owner of Willie Stroker Enterprises in Ireland

Willie Cox – creator of the Coxdome – Ireland

First Published in FM Magazine December 2009