Alison Bezzina

First published on FM Magazine Dec 2006

It’s back...and no matter how hard I try to apply the mental equivalent of sticking my fingers into my ears, closing my eyes, and screaming at the top of my voice, the holiday season will hit me with all its mistletoe, shiny decorations, elves and clones of that overweight hairy man from the North Pole.

 

For as long as I can remember, every New Year’s day, I’ve promised myself that in the future I would approach the Christmas season with more optimism and less cynicism. Eleven months later I’m always back to square one - wishing I could turn back time to the summer months, or to fall into a deep sleep until January 2^nd!!!

 

I’ve said this before, and I’m saying it again - I hate Christmas and all that comes with it - the festive season is a bittersweet time, and being a black and white sort of person I find that the feelings that the holidays bring with them, hover in that grey area between happiness, joy, sadness and loneliness. Add this to the fact that in today’s world the happy family is as much a myth as Santa Claus, plus the ever increasing crass commercialism and the forced frivolity, and I’m left with a maddening urge to obliterate the whole month from my calendar.

 

Let’s face it - the holiday season is a landmark. You can always remember where you were, with whom, and what you were doing during this time of the year. The relentless pressure to be merry leaves many feeling inadequately jolly. Many would agree that there are few things in life worse than feeling lonely during the Christmas season. There may be many times when being alone suits you, but Christmas is not likely to be one of them. In fact this terror has driven many to somehow scrounger up a desperado relationship in time for a few kisses under the mistletoe.

 

So, with this horrendous fear at the back of your mind, you might have gone out some time during November and found yourself a bearable person to spend the holidays with. And now what? Some families plan the holidays weeks or even months in advance, and these plans might not be flexible enough to change and incorporate you...the new kid on the block! And when will you find this out? The minute you’ve paid for the last gift intended for your in-laws of course! Clearly the Christmas holidays are not the best time to incorporate yourself or your new partner to the family. Believe me you will not bear Uncle John whining and winging all day, and you can rest assured that Cousin Becky will get totally belligerent again despite having been introduced to your new beady eyed Christmas partner. So if it’s inevitable that you spend Christmas or New Year’s Day away from your new found love, take it as a blessing in disguise.

 

As much as I might understand the desire to have someone special to share the holidays with, and believe me I do, there are quite a few advantages in being single at this time of the year. Unless you’ve been living on Mars for the past six months you will have more than a few invitations to family reunions, office drinks and every Christmassy excuse to party. If you’re single you may choose to attend whichever, with whoever, without explaining or negotiating with anyone. And if things get a little bit out of control, as they usually do during this time, dishes can be left in the sink from the night or week before. Clothes can be left all over your bedroom floor and you can secretly turn into a yeti underneath those sexy trousers. The next morning you can walk around the house in your worn-out baggy pants. And, last but not least, you may if so you wish, forget about the must-have turkey and eat cold pizza for breakfast. Pure bliss!

 

And what about shopping? If you’re single you can probably avoid the Christmas shopping frenzy all together. With just your family to think about you can sort out all the gifts you need to buy before or after the shopping psychosis hits us. Additionally you won’t have to enter a series of compromises, negotiations and explanations as to why you need two of the same polo necks in different shades of blue, and why you have to spend twice as much money on your old man than anyone else.

 

Seriously, doesn’t shopping during this time of year turn you into a misanthrope? It takes me exactly 4.3 seconds to start hating everyone. Old women fingering everything they find on shelves, teenagers scrutinizing every detail of every item, in every size, and colour, only to leave everything in utter disorder that puts me off checking out anything all. Men hunting for cheap gifts with a high perceived value, thinking that their mothers won’t know the difference. The worst are children crying to get their parents to buy them the latest toy. After listening to a child moan and groan about getting the latest techy gadget for 20 minutes, I find myself supporting his cause if only to get his parents to shut him up.

 

Allow me to drop in one word of advice about gifts... when it comes to men, if they ask what you want for Christmas, for the love of God, tell them. It is common knowledge that the glistening lights further aggravate men’s judgment and memory, thus this is not the time to be testing their observatory or memory skills, nor is it the time to start an argument. Besides, they’ll always love you for making life easier. Much of my expertise in this subject comes from having tried every dysfunctional strategy to get a man to figure out what I really want for Christmas. If you don’t want to have to pretend that you like purple boots with stiletto shiny heels, just go ahead and write your wish on his forehead.

 

If you happen to be single this Christmas, there’s yet another bright side to your situation – Christmas cards. Being accountable only and exclusively for yourself, you don’t have to feel obliged to send cards to all the people who send you one. This is especially true when they send you one of those cheap ones that cost 5c each, the profits of which are likely to be going to the Arabian testosterone fund or something of the sort.

 

Then there’s the food. This is when the weight police come out, wagging and pointing their fingers at tips on how not to gain weight over the Christmas season. You can hardly pick up a magazine without finding some annoying writer giving you advice on how to say no, to do away with second helpings, resist butter, gravy etc. and, if all fails, to get a personal trainer for the new year... good grief!

 

When it comes to food, living in a single household is already very difficult because super markets and groceries don’t think we exist. During the festive season this becomes worse and all you find is family-sized everything and images of chocolate box families make their way as far down the aisle as the pet food. At least if you’re single you can stuff yourself with festive food without anyone commenting about your waistline.

 

Once the Christmas turkey and leftovers have been demolished, most people I know face the countdown to New Year’s Eve with a conscious frenzy of decisions on where to go and what to do on the big night. Last year I received about eighteen different invites to New Year’s Eve parties, and they were all personal invites - the type which you can’t blame the mail and say that the envelope never got to you; the type that make such a big deal out of it that you fear that if you don’t turn up they’ll commit ritual suicide and leave a note saying it was because of you! The situation got so out of hand that I had no choice but to ignore them all. I sat down and imagined that the guilt-free fairy was at my command and so chose to spend my Christmas with whom I really wanted. Now imagine doing that if you’re in a relationship! The guilt-free fairy would suddenly turn into a sadomasochistic goblin that will eat away at your conscious until you desperately try to make up for even suggesting you spend New Year’s eve with people you like, by busting your Visa.

 

Probably the best thing about being single during the Christmas period is that you can ignore it’s Christmas altogether and simply pretend it’s not happening. Of course you’d have to be blind, deaf and perhaps a little bit dead, but surely you have a better shot of managing this if you don’t have someone wrapping gifts, singing to carols, and quizzing you about what you’re going to do on new year’s eve!