Alison Bezzina

 

It’s that time of the year again...the time when I’m left with no choice but to huddle up in a fetal position, cover my head, put it between my legs, and take cover until January 3^rd.

I’m referring of course to that so very special season when people will wish me a happy holidays even if I don’t want them to, stores will blare enough coloured lights to squint a nation, shoe shops will obviously run out of my size just so that some ungrateful gift recipient can return my perfect pair after New Year, and Christmas carols will haunt me day and night. The simplest undisputable fact of life on earth is that whether you believe or not, whether you hate it or love it, the Christmas season will get to you!

 

As if exchanging Christmas cards with your next door neighbour at the cost of the Amazon forest is not ridiculous enough, most of us also have to face the annual Christmas office party. As a woman, my biggest risk used to be that of being stuck with the office bore, but over the years I mastered the art of getting rid of party leeches and testosterone-mad colleagues. Here are some of my tried and tested exit statements:

 

1. Thanks for the wonderful conversation, but now I have to give the impression I’m interested in everybody else too! Adieu
2. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental. Bye.
3. Do you have to leave soon? I was about to poison your drink. Ciao
4. Don’t let your mind wonder, it’s too little to be left alone. Catch you later.
5. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge but you must have just gargled. See you! (NOT)

 

Just like tuna and cheese should never mix, neither should alcohol and work colleagues, and this is especially true during the festive season. For some unexplainable reason, whenever this rule is broken, all it takes is a few ties wrapped around heads and suddenly drunken encounters between the brunettes in customer care and the pale blokes from accounts, become entirely natural. It is during this time of year that mature professionals get completely plastered and dry hump their boss by the bar, or take to tabletops and gyrate to loud corny music in front of their inebriated colleagues.

 

To add insult to injury the festive period is an infamous time for break-ups and if you’re single during this time of the year, there’s a risk that at parties you’ll end up looking like a wet blanket. Let’s face it, come midnight, when the rest of the world is partaking in the biggest tongue-fest of the year, what do you do with yourself?

 

So come December the rat race begins... you have to find yourself a partner to see you through the festive season. But take my word for it; no matter how desperate you are; no matter how much you hate spending this time of the year in the ‘god forsaken’ single status, you must, at all costs, stay away from the office candidates. It’s tempting, I know, the alcohol will be flowing at the expense of the big boss, you can do away with the initial small talk because you already know everybody, and the opportunity to indulge in interdepartmental transactions becomes almost too hard to resist. But resist you must! Remember, that although at that moment consummating your relations with the sex bomb in Finance seems like the most natural thing to do, if you didn’t want to jump her bones yesterday, then you won’t it in the cold sober light of 2009 either. So if you think it’s love.... Just wait two weeks for the incubation period to pass.

 

Although office parties hold that unique appeal of “anything goes”, they can lead to the most awkward situations for weeks or months thereafter. Even if you have never knocked back a litre of free champagne and then solemnly slurped declarations of your undying love to a co-worker, you must have at least been witness to such monkeyshines. So here are some tips on how to avoid the dreaded entrance into work the next Monday morning:

 

1. Glam up! Make sure you look and feel your best. The office party is a social minefield that requires careful navigation.
2. Thou shalt not mix your drinks. Wine and cocktails are a surefire way of losing more than your inhibitions.
3. Though shalt not throw up on your new shoes and pass out in the loo
4. Work out a code with your close colleagues, so if the office leech comes along you can signal them to come to your rescue.
5. Sitting on someone’s knee and stroking his bald patch may cause a reaction in his not-so-bald patch.
6. Don’t confront someone who has been up your nostrils all year - go through the proper channels – unless of course, he’s out cold in the toilet and you can safely kick him where it hurts and make a quick getaway.
7. If you intend to party like there’s no tomorrow, remember that there is no such thing as no tomorrow! So put €50 in an envelope and write your address on the front. Put it in your handbag and give it to the taxi driver at the end of the night. That’s a sure way of not getting into a sticky situation with someone more sloshed than you are.
8. Good or bad... never... never... tell your boss what you really think of her. No matter how drunk she is, she will remember everything you say.

 

If despite all this good advice, you still end up snogging the office geek in a moment of drunken passion, or better still you tell your boss that with their IQ they should have a low voice too, you don’t need to get your knickers in a knot because it just makes you walk funny! Just assume a low profile for a while and hope it all blows over. If it doesn’t, start planning a quick escape. The situation vacant ads on Sunday Papers are a good starting point!

 

If you’re also blessed with having to attend your loved one’s office party, you’ll surely buy a glamorous outfit to impress the colleagues, only to find out that it was a total waste of time and effort. You’ll smile, handshake and stay sober for five mind-numbing, tear-jerking, forced-smiling hours, and whilst (still smiling) you watch your partner flirt with a slutty co-worker, a nauseating revelation will hit you - once office hours recommence his co-workers will dissect your psyche and put your character thorough the shredder. So to hell with it, just turn up wearing every accessory that the Christmas shop has to offer – Christmas tree earrings, Rudolph jumpers and more tinsel than you can shake an ugly elf at. Alternatively prior to the event, dump your other half and just ask them back out the next day... believe me all is fair in the rage of the festive season!

 

Whether you like it or not, I wish you all a happy holiday. May your stockings be filled with tumblers of love, hampers of joy, and the ever so necessary fervent love-tongue.

First published on FM magazine Dec 2006