Alison Bezzina

I’ve always believed that a good sense of humour will get you through anything in life. With this in mind I braved a week-long vacation with nine adults and six children, all under the age of nine. Because none of the kids were mine, I was the only one with the ‘get out of jail free card’. This meant that though I could not use foul language in front of the children, I could throw in the towel and go to bed, without having to worry about baths, feeds, bed time stories or soiled little butts.

 

Surprisingly, the only time I was tempted to use my trump card was whenever a ‘child Vs adult’ battle broke out. Although I’m in my thirties I’m still struggling with the idea that grown-ups have an indisputable right to tell children what to do no matter what. So, many a time, I had to bite my tongue and mentally sing a song not to join the children in their ‘but why?’ chorus. Of course, this only happened because none of the children were mine, which meant that antics such as bowls of spaghetti on their heads did not worry me but simply amused me. With my own kids I will probably sound like a drill sergeant on Prozac.

 

One thing is for sure - as far as adult education goes, nothing beats children – here’s what a younger brother, thirteen younger cousins, and this trip have taught me:

 

• Children don’t care that coloured chocolate eggs and Easter bunnies have very little connection with the risen lord.

 

• I can endure a day of hard labour, emails, phone calls, laundry and business crisis, yet one day entertaining kids finds me struggling not to fall asleep before they do.

 

• Within months of having a child, a mother will go from having floors that you could eat off, to floors that are clean but messy, to ‘Where IS the floor?’

 

• Always maintain a minimum of two meters between hair and bubble gum.

 

• It will cost you more to amuse your children than to educate them.

 

• Expecting your children to do everything you say without questioning it, is probably slightly conflicting with wanting them to become independent and free thinking.

 

• The reason why grand children and grand parents love each other so much is because they have a common enemy.

 

• Crayons melt in washing machines.

 

• ‘Uh-oh’ emerging from the bathroom is the universal code for ‘Run!’

 

• Children are naturally programmed to eat exclusively between meal times.

 

• Kids clubs at Ikea and five star resorts are a God send.

 

• Do not attempt to car pool with a bunch of kids who have just consumed more than their body weight in chocolate and washed it down with iced-tea.

 

• Telling a child they cannot have a pet elephant because it does not fit through the front door will most certainly land you with a gold fish on the kitchen counter.

 

• When it comes to boys, the (Freudian) anal phase is not a phase.

 

• There’s something slightly wrong with telling children to eat something because it’s good for them whilst you’re filling the room with second hand smoke.

 

• Children will most certainly need to poop as soon as you’ve zipped up their Sunday best.

 

• Once you have kids it makes more sense to separate your dirty laundry according to the stains that are on them: dirt loads, grass loads, gem-marker loads, ketchup loads, and miscellaneous sticky bits and pieces loads.

 

• They get stronger as you get weaker, they get smarter as you get senile, and most importantly they will choose your retirement home.

 

• Teachers are grossly underpaid.

 

• If you can’t get your children’s attention just put your feet up and look relaxed.

 

• Family planning is the art of spacing your children apart enough to keep you on the edge of bankruptcy, but, if all fails, you can save loads of money by using the universal cleaning agent called spit. This is especially effective on children’s faces.

 

• Puddles have a particular magnetic gravitational pull for small shoes.

 

• Walls are nothing but huge drawing paper.

 

• A three year old’s voice is louder than 50 adults in a crowded restaurant.

 

• An unbreakable toy is great to break other toys with.

 

• Having blue little lips and a frost-bitten little nose is not enough reason to come out of the pool.

 

• Once babies become toddlers the best gift you can give their mother is a talking doll that says ‘yes mummy’. This is the only way to boost her parental confidence until the child reaches thirty five.

 

 Also there is such a thing as a family justice system. These are the rules:

 

•1. Children are guilty until proven guilty.

•2. Children do not have a right to be judged by a jury of their peers or by one objective judge. Instead there are two very subjective judges and no such thing as double jeopardy- a child will be immediately convicted and punished by the Chief Judge (usually the mother who deals with day to day crimes) and then also suffer the consequences of the ‘when daddy comes home’ verdict.

•3. Everything children say will be used against them in court, in fact any utterance or sound made after the words ‘no answering back’ will result in a heftier punishment.

•4. Although capital punishment is prohibited, threats of it are largely acceptable even in public places.

•5. Children have no right to appeal against inhumane punishments like ‘grounded for life’ or ‘no television for a year’ sentences.

•6. No presidential pardons ever can be applied to TV or Playstation sanctions.

•7. If children do not have clean underwear at all times, not only will they be punished, they will most definitely end up in an accident.

 

And besides Freud’s five psychosexual phases of development, there are at least another three that I have identified over the past week:

 

• 1. The pink phase attacks girls between 2 and 13 – unless everything on them and around them is pink, a red crayon will mysteriously end up in your laundry.
• 2. The ‘What you doing’ phase hits all children between 2 and 7 – any attempt to answer this question logically will result in a broken record that you can’t stop without committing a crime. Best to say something like ‘I smell yellow, don’t you dear?’
• 3. The dressing-up-in-mummy’s-only-unstained-dress-phase - strikes all girls and some boys within an unspecific age group.

And finally, after a week long vacation with six kids and their parents I’m sure of two things. Firstly that having children and grandchildren is one of the best gifts that life has to offer, and that unlike common belief, Amnesia is not an old people’s disease, but a condition that enables every woman who has gone through childbirth and raising a child, to make love again!

 

First published on FM Magazine May 2008