It’s A Bug’s Life

I’ve been up since the crack of dawn. I’m sitting in my terrace waiting for an exterminator to come and spray his magic. It’s so early and so quiet that I can hear sparrows farting, roosters burping and pigeons blinking.

You see, I bought and moved into my new house for one main reason – the terrace that I’m sitting in. This was intended to serve as my little private paradise. It took me three years to find, half a year to fix, and many sleepless nights to pay for. There’s only one snag to it – even though it is four storeys above the ground, bugs of all shapes and sizes share my love for it and are encroaching on my space. Though I am a million times bigger than any bug on earth, they enjoy safety in numbers and there’s no doubt about who is currently winning this territorial battle.

I’m told that at any given moment there are 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth. Seriously, that’s a real number. That means that for every one of us, there are 1.5 billion bugs. So if I put things in perspective, I should consider myself lucky that I only have a handful of bugs in my terrace. Nonetheless, neither one of them is paying me rent, nor are they contributing to the utility bills, and a few are cheeky enough to make their way inside to find the cosiest place for the winter months. Ok, so I don’t have any Japanese Flying Hornets, Bullet Ants, Africanized Honey Bees or Bot Flies, and from what I can see, none of the wood lice, moths, and flies (that I do have) can spray flesh-melting poison or burrow holes into my brain. Still, they just won’t get the hint and leave me alone.

Being a die-hard animal lover it has taken me a while to get myself to call pest control. I’ve tried to be patient, but ever since I moved in, I’ve been continually harassed by the crazy critters. It has taken me this long to finally make that call, because even though I keep feeling imaginary creepy crawlies making their way up my legs, I don’t think that any animal should be terminated just because it is an inconvenience. People find it easier to kill insects just because they’re ugly little things, but in reality, there are very few things I can honestly hold against them. All they do is overstay their welcome, make their presence felt in the most unhygienic ways, don’t know when to stop surprising their host, and that despite the swindling economy, the uncontrollable spread of sexually transmitted diseases, and modern advances in medical science, they still go forth and multiply with little regard for STDs and birth control.

Sometimes I come home when they are not expecting me and I find wood lice and moths making their way towards the sofa to watch reruns of ‘Mini Bugz’. Whenever I surprise them like this, they look up, point their tentacles straight at me, crouch down in a pre-jump position, and without having to move at all chase me back to my car where I spend the next few minutes scratching imaginary itches, shaking imaginary ants out of my hair, and checking for non-existent red marks all over my body.

The exterminator is here! He has rung the doorbell and I’m only a few seconds away from being rid of the bugs that are ruining my plants and self confidence. But my animal loving soul rises to the surface and I’m half tempted to send the exterminator away and to live with the unwelcome creepy visitors for the rest of my life. But as I look down in silent resignation I see a wood louse having a casual conversation with a spider. With total disregard for my presence they’re planning a party. From what I can hear invites are going out to termites, yellow jackets and other itch-provoking bugs. That’s it! Enough is enough and I finally welcome the magic of pesticide into my house.

A few minutes and €50 later, I am sitting in my bug-free terrace with wet pesticide patches in every corner. Now I’m worried about the birds that might come next to it so I will spend the next few hours scurrying them away. The exterminator assured me that unless I’m ‘heavy’ by which of course he meant pregnant, it is safe for me to inhale the pesticide and protect the birds for as long as I liked.

I have now prepared a little coffin for the bugs that will fall victim of the murderous liquid. A memorial service and reception will be held on Saturday, December 6, 2008 at 2:00 PM. It will be held at the Natural History Museum to honour the persistent wood lice, the spider web masters, the sucking-up mosquitoes and other unknown creepy crawlies that will go missing in action. An invitation is being extended to the entire insect community to join the family and friends in order to commemorate all the bugs that have devoted their entire lives to environmental education and driving me crazy. In their own individual ways, they’ve all had a worldwide impact on the environment, humanity, and my sanity. Please join us to remember their lives and achievements and in lieu of flowers, please send contributions to the Animal Rights Malta, Birdlife and Nature Trust.

First published in The Sunday Times November 2008