Alison Bezzina

Everybody has an opinion about marriage. Do it, don’t do it, don’t do it too soon, don’t wait too long, don’t marry the first man you meet, don’t get married because you’re pregnant,  don’t date too many men before you do...and the list goes on and on. 

I spoke to two women who got married at two different extreme ages. Mrs. Prassede Contarini was over 60 when she first tied the knot, and Tracy Camilleri had just turned 16.  With many marriages expiring before the honeymoon is over, it was a relief to find that both women consider their marriage to be one of the best things in their lives.

Mrs. Contarini had never been married before, and her husband Lolly Mallia had been a widower for ten years. They dated for just over one year, and as tradition would have it, up to seven days before the wedding, they had not entered each other’s houses.

How come you waited so long to get married?

“When I was younger, in my late twenties, I was about to get married to someone whom I had been dating for about three and a half years, but just a few months before the wedding he told me that he wished to join the priesthood instead. I was aghast at first, but then I realised that he was not leaving me for some other woman but to serve God. So we remained friends and, every time he comes back to Malta from the missionaries he always comes to visit me. After that I never met anyone special, and my life was full with other stuff.  For a very long time I took care of my ageing parents and uncle, and when they passed away I lived with my brother for five years. Then he died as well, and I was left with a huge void in my life.”

How did you meet your husband?

I knew Lolly from way back when he was married to his first wife. They lived in my hometown but we were mere acquaintances. When they had children they moved to another village so we lost touch, but I remained friends with his sister. After many years, we met again on the beach. His wife had passed away almost ten years earlier, and his sister had been trying to encourage him to join the Cana support group for widows and widowers, which coincidentally, I have been taking care of for the past twenty seven years.  Eventually he called me to join the group and he started attending.  At first he was not a regular attendee and missed quite a few meetings, but then he got involved and even managed to get onto a fully booked cruise that I organised for the group.

How did you end up going out together?

One day we went out dancing with all the members of the group, and although we, as counsellors, are trained to keep our distance from the members, somehow I ended up dancing with him. At first it was daunting. I knew there were feelings involved, but at that point in my life I felt like it would be a big change to get involved with someone. However I believe that if it’s meant to be, God paves the way for you and nothing remains impossible. I remember asking a close friend for her advice, and she was totally in favour of me pursuing the relationship. So I did.  At first we used to meet with the others and then alone, but he never came inside my house.

How did others react to your relationship?

Well I have no family left so there was no reaction from there, but my friends were all very supportive. Everybody encouraged me. At first I put the brakes on the relationship until I knew how his children were going to take it. I would not have pursued it had they not been content. From my experience with the Cana group, I know that some children feel threatened or hurt when their living parent embarks on a new relationship, and it’s not the first time that we, as counsellors, have to intervene. But thank God, in our case, his children and their spouses were warm and welcoming.

How would you describe your marriage?

I loved every minute of it and have absolutely no regrets. We were married for four beautiful years until he passed away. He was as fit as a fiddle and there were no warning signs whatsoever. One day he woke up during the night, went to the bathroom and fell on the floor. Upon hearing the bang, I ran to the bathroom and I found him lying there. I realised it was serious when I could not shake him up.  Despite everyone’s efforts he died that same night at the hospital.

You are a faithful believer. Did your husband’s death affect this?

At first I was very angry, but I believe that God understands that when we’re hurt we can get angry at him. I felt it was so unfair because we had followed God’s commandments.  We hardly ever argued but whenever we had a slight disagreement, we would say the Rosary together and all would be ok. We never went to bed without saying the Rosary, even if we got home at 4am. When we were still going out together and didn’t live in the same house, we would stop the car in a quiet street and say the Rosary. He would then drive me home and later call me to tell me that he got home safe and sound. 

How did you cope with losing your husband?

He gave me four of the best years of my life and although I am not lonely because I keep myself very busy, I still miss him terribly. He was that special person in my life and it’s always a heartache to come home and not find him here especially at night. When we were married we would never go out without each other, and every night we slept holding hands. On the night that he died, I had felt him slip out of my hand to go to the bathroom, just like every other night, except that I did not know that this was going to be the last time. After his death, a friend of mine slept with me for 12 days. She cooked for me and took care of me, until I found enough strength to be on my own again. God helped me get through that first night. I thought that I would never be able to sleep alone, but I prayed and prayed and I slept all night.

Are you still in touch with his children and family?

Yes. I have been blessed with a beautiful family who have adopted me into their lives even after their father passed away. It is all I ever wanted after his death. I just wanted them to keep on loving me and to still consider me family, and I thank God they still do.   His son’s mother in law invites me to Sunday lunch every week. I am very lucky to have them in my life.

How was your wedding?

We got married at the Ta’ Xbiex Parish Church. We had seven priests concelebrating the mass and the reception was held at the Coastline Hotel with around 300 guests.  My dress was quite an ordeal because I could not find a suitable wedding dress from the shops. Then one day my husband suggested that I sew it myself. At first I thought it was a crazy idea as I didn’t think I was up to it, but then he convinced me to do it by offering to bring me a cooked meal every evening so that I could concentrate on getting the dress ready. I had a very old piece of beautiful white lace that my father had brought over from Venice, and I used it as the main motive of the dress.  It was a beautiful day that I will never forget.

Would you recommend getting married to people your age?

Yes. It is such a different type of happiness, that no matter how sorted and set in your ways you think you are, you really should give it a shot.  I now live with my memories of him and our life together. At least no one can take those away from me. I encourage all those who have lost their spouses to have faith and to join our support group at Ta’ Cana. They can contact us on 21238942 or 21238068.

 

Listening to Tracy’s story, you might think that she and her husband Tommy embarked on the perfect recipe for disaster. They met when she was only 13 years old and he was just 17. Three years later, only a few months after Tracy turned 16, they got married.  Eighteen years down the line, they are still together and loving it.

 

How did you first meet your husband?

I was 13 and frequented a group of friends together with my sister. My husband used to frequent the same group and when I first saw him I immediately felt an incredible pull. At the time he was dating someone else, and because I was much younger I didn’t think that I stood a chance to date him, but some time later he left his girlfriend. At first we started seeing each other during the week, because in the weekend he used to go to Paceville and I was still not allowed to go.

Why did you get married so early in life?

I had been seeing Tommy on quite a serious level for over three years. My older sister used to date one of his friends so most of the time we used to be with them as couples. A year into our relationship we introduced each other to the rest of our families, and two years later I found out that I was pregnant I was not particularly shocked about this because,  I always had plenty of nephews and nieces around, so having a child seemed like the most natural thing to me. Of course when we told my parents they were very upset, but after a while they accepted the situation. We decided to get married not because we were forced to but because it felt like the right thing to do. But we couldn’t do it right away; we had to wait until I turned sixteen.  During the three years that we had been together we never split up for any significant amount of time, so we waited a few months and got married soon after my 16^th birthday. 

Was it hard to cope?

It was hard but mostly because of financial reasons. We lived with my husband’s parents for a few years and then when all my brothers and sisters got married and my parents’ house, we moved in with them. We stayed there for ten years until we could afford to buy our own place. My daughter is now 18 years, and sometimes she asks me why I got married so early. I explain to her that although the time it was the right thing to do and that if I had to do it all over again I would still marry her father, I would try not to get pregnant so early in life because it’s hard to make ends meet.

At 34, you’ve been happily married for eighteen years now. What is your secret?

I believe that if you have a family you need to make time for it. Although financially it was always hard to cope, I never wanted to leave my daughter with grandparents or carers, so I always worked half days. My husband is a hawker so he too is home on most afternoons. We do things together or we don’t do anything at all. When our daughter was younger we used to drive her to catechism and wait for her in the car, together. Some people think that the more time you spend with someone the more you will argue, but I disagree; time together provides emotional glue, it is a good habit to have. We also have the same interests, possibly because we grew up together and developed them together. We love football for instance and our house is called ‘Liverpool’. My daughter plays with the B’Kara Football Team and we form part of the committee. We’re always organising things and going abroad with the team and it’s great because it keeps us together and interested in each other. Out of four siblings, three of us got married at a very early age, just like me, and we are all still happily married. It might have been the good example set by my parents who always did things together, but then again, sometimes setting a good example is still not enough.

What is so special about your husband?

My husband is a big big man with a big big heart. He is kind and compassionate and cries easily. He is generous and does not hold a grudge. In an argument he gives up easily, whilst I can be quite hard-headed, but we never go for days without talking. Somehow we manage to iron things out and move on. When I first saw him I was attracted to his blue eyes, which I love, but as I got to know him, I realised that he is truly one of a kind.  What makes us so compatible are our opposing qualities. Whilst he is a worrier, I tend to take a day at a time. He gets upset sometimes when I tell him that he doesn’t know what the future holds, and that one day we might not be together anymore. He doesn’t even consider it for a moment.

What is it like to have a child at such a young age?

As I said, it has its hardships because of finances but other than that it is probably better. Because the generation gap is not so wide I think we can understand her better. When she mentions places that she wants to go to we know what she’s talking about, and because we are young she does not mind bringing friends over or that we go out with them. In fact she prefers it that way and loves having us around. I don’t think that this would have been possible had we not had her at such a young age. I must admit that we have been blessed with a daughter who is not half as naughty as I was when I was her age. Today I realise what a headache I must have been for my mother to handle me.

 

First published on Pink Magazine November 2009