Alison Bezzina

Many will argue that playing the field is by far more fun than being in a meaningful relationship, but, I also know for a fact that dating becomes very tiring, very messy, very quickly, and that after playing footsy for a while, most of us secretly wish to abandon the game. We might never admit it, but even the biggest players come to a point when they want to cut down on the hammering and take up some eloquent spooning. Besides, isn’t dating without the intention of hooking up a bit like playing Russian roulette in reverse? Even though the chances of finding someone special are close to nil, what happens if you do?

Let’s face it - attraction is neither logical nor rational, in fact it usually hits us in the unmentionables when we are least expecting it, and, apart from replacing it with another obsession there’s absolutely no fighting it. What’s worse is that in the time that passes between the first throws of unfounded passion, and the onset of flying-plates and tantrums, we usually take decisions and say things that come back to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Then with our hormones back in check, things look totally different, which means that in retrospect we can never figure out what the mad attraction was at the time of wild slaps and fanatical tickles.

Since attraction is something that knocks us over without our sensible consent, there are times when we should tie ourselves to a chair and wait until the zealous feeling subsides. Let’s face it, no one has ever died from not satisfying ‘the urge,’ but resisting does feel like absolute torture. Even if the whole thing reeks of trouble, and our better judgement is having an epileptic fit, fighting the lure of physical attraction is usually close to impossible. We feel like our entire life depends on scratching that itch and if we don’t savour the four legged donuts, happiness will be lost forever. And yes, for as long as we resist the slippery flute all we can think about is pounding the yogurt. But sometimes, resist we must, because no matter how hot they look or how our insides tumble at the sight of them, some people are just splendid bait in the flies- to-shit traps of life.

The most important thing to remember is that the lusciously hot, can still turn out to be clueless dorks with braces and thick glasses. At the tender age of fourteen I fell head over heels for someone whom I thought looked like Adonis with sugar coating. As teenage crushes go, we shared some ice cream and soon after unhooked braces and went our separate ways. Ten years later, I met him working at a hospital where he proudly informed me that he was now a medical intern specializing in the digestive system. With my teenage endorphins under control, I could hardly look at him without barfing and my only explanation/consolation is that he must have turned into a stomach pump only after embarking on to his medical profession!

And what happens with online dating, when you don’t even get a chance to physically see the person before deciding if you’re attracted or not? If your online escapades lead to an actual date you need to plan it well. Besides the obvious safety measures - meeting in a public place, getting there with two cars, drinking responsibly, letting friends know where you’re going, and limiting the exchange of bodily fluids to a bare minimum, there’s another measure you should take care of. You must make sure that, the place you choose to meet your online desire has a route from the bathroom to the door that does not require walking past your date, so that if you need to you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and continue out the door and straight into the first location offering alcohol. For a while you’ll need to screen your calls and rearrange your social calendar and just in case you do bump into your date, it’s best to have prepared some credible scenario involving alien abduction, police detention and amnesia.

Once the first date is out of the way, there are just a few more rules to observe:

•1. If you feel like dropping your pants for someone who happens to be already married or otherwise engaged, tune into your own reality show, get up, smell the confetti, and run away.

•2. If a man carries around a harem, or if a woman is constantly surrounded by eunuchs, the chances that you will ever get their full attention are slimmer than finding a hot blonde virgin. Get out before you’re reduced to jumping up and down naked with a rose up your butt to attract their attention.

•3. If they own a pair of brass knuckles, you should not even stand there long enough for some lame explanation. Get out, get out, and get out! No, do not turn back for your contact lenses or your kidneys, just leave and never look back.

•4. If he spends more time in front of the mirror than you do, likes your clothes more than the sales girl who sold them to you, notices different shades of eye shadow, and uses a haemorrhoid cream for his eye bags, move on before he’ll want to visit the lingerie shop with you, as I can assure you that it won’t be to buy you sexy thongs for naughty nights ahead!

•5. If you’re scraping the end of the barrel at the end of each month, and she’s the typical materialistic girl who will look a gift horse in the mouth, it’s a definite no go. Most women will forgive you for having a prison record and even a petite organ, but they will never forgive you for being cheap. And remember, women have memories to rival elephants so this sort of bad performance will haunt you long after you make your first million.

Whether you’re dating for your fair share of crumpet, full blown tomcatting, or to find someone meaningful, the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all. The truth is that no amount of advanced planning will ever replace dumb luck, but remember that just because you’re a good decent person does not mean that the dating world will treat you fairly. Expecting to be treated well is like expecting a bull not to charge at you because you are a vegetarian! Just be prepared.

First published on FM magazine June 2008